Messy Mind of Mine

I cant remember a lot of yes. Most of the time its a no. Pntm said i dont know how to berbasa basi. True. Old folks and kids are awkward groups for me. Apa orang kata? Tak pandai amik hati. Tak pandai nak bukak conversation. True. Its all true. That is me. But the no.. it irks me. Each time. 

They are more like younger sisters, really. I kinda took them under my wings but i think i care too much and spoil them too much. At end of the day they are still my direct reports thus some level of respect is expected. But i think they see me as a boss that they can twirl around the fingers. I care too much. Thats not good.

So i have been away for a week now. Away from pntm, away from family and most of all away from work. Pntm is joining me in an hour’s time, family awaits me back in sp. work is happening as it should.. with or without me. As the project manager i am in the few whatsapp groups and reading the work materialising without me, i contracted the FOMO. I feel unneeded, unimportant. My alt pm is doing so well, working with my boss on my project. I am not jealous, i just feel a tad MO. Positively this is exposure to my team; yet the sustainability of the positivity is not easy on me. FOMO is killing me. I have another week off before i return. One side - i want things to settle by the time i am back. Another - i want to be back in the middle of it. Shit.Shit.Shit.

On days like this i always wish differently.  Being subjected to it weakens me. Hurts me. It was not my idea in the first place and i am getting the brunt of it. I hate it. And when season’s over, it flew away like it never happened until the cloud gets gray again and knifes are sharpened, spatulas hurled and ashes dust the floor. No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue  I could not foresee this thing happening to you If i look hard enough into the setting sun My love will laugh with me before the morning comes

As pntm claimed on her blog, so i have given the a-okay to remain where she is in the suzy-site. Yes suzy is still there and so are other non-suzys. Fine, make friends. Life should be colorful kan. So a non-suzy came along. Became friends they did. I guess the older we get the less we want to spend our time worrying about whether non-suzy will turn out to be another suzy. If yes, out the door you go and be suzy-ful as you wish. But no. Non-suzy remains non-suzy so far.  And non-suzy comes with a mrs non-suzy. Who happened to be insecure about non-suzy and pntm. Wow. So a three-way meet happened. Without me of course. And sure i am very much okay with that. Coz i have no interest to know non-suzy or mrs non-suzy. But what angers me are the questions thrown at pntm by mrs non-suzy. Even if she is sizing up pntm cant she do it with a bit more manners given her 'superiority' in age? And rightfully maturity? I dont like the 'patrony' way of mrs non-suzy. ...

More and more i think i can no longer fulfill her needs. Whatever i have done seems to be not enough until i allow her 'that'.  I cant bend that far. I just cant. Even the truce we agreed few nights ago - patience is clearly not her virtue. So maybe, just maybe, someone more willing and able suits best.  But i am glad i have said what i needed her to know. My true feelings and choices. Her options.  Of letting us go, to pursue what she truly needs.  Said to her i have given up on this fight. If she cant settle for less then i suppose the inevitable will come sooner that i think.  My dear love, i love you so very much. But this is one fight i am not gonna arm myself and battle it till one of us bleed and die.  Soar free and be happy doing what you want to do and be who you want to be.

Its 3.30am and sleeping is hard. Mind is still playing tricks - constant replay of yesterday. Am not sure what to do next. Am not sure what we will be next. Can we go past it? Together? The castle has truly shaken to the ground this time around. There is a future to think of. Together? How? Can we? Can i? Love is not the issue here. We have build something pretty solid over the last 9 years but the memory of yesterday is dismantling the blocks slowly. I thought we could overcome the issue with the strength of our love but love is not the issue. Her needs trump over all. Needs that i cant fulfil. Peeking closely perhaps it was inevitable. Bound to happen. But dont drag me along with it. I maybe anything but promiscuous i am not. Though one can argue nothing happened physically so technically she didnt cross any lines. Not in my books. Physical connection is the next step only and had yesterday not happened, physical will happen real soon.  I dont know. Different side of the table of...

Hard to swallow. How to forgive? 

I am not well. Sure you cant see it from the outside but internally i'd like to think i am damaged goods. It doesnt help that i am not making her happy. I promised half n half but the journey is slow. Not sure how patient she can be. But i suppose if the choice is to fulfill the needs to the level that i cant deliver then i accept the ending. I cant bend like a broken branch overnite. Does it add to the pressure? Yes of course. I do feel the pressure to 'deliver'. Especially when all i can think of these days is falling down and never getting up. Its not a grey i am agreeing. But should it happen again, i think she knows the answer. 

I am sorry that my 'trying to be better' doubts you.  Sure, i am afraid of losing you and sure, KK may see it as 'kasi dia sedar' - funny like i am the one trying to cheat (yes, insert the motivation) here - if my efforts are being questioned then would we rather that we dont try at all? So yes, perhaps i am not sorry at all. I am trying to move on and forget that you had made me feel inadequate by doing what you did but it aint gonna help if every gesture i make is being weighed for its authenticity.  That hurts. 

this is what annual leave gives you  - the time and space to re-evaluate and capture the thinking into yet another post in a long abandoned blog. this was where we started. of course, not kooks or kicks or kinks. I used to have this blog that  I loved so much, and when the ex found me I didn't think twice about deleting it. stupid me, could have just changed the add. the affair took years; years of lies. and we came together finally, at the expense of others. now that's a regret I wont ever escape from. though now we can see the hikmah of it - she is safely married to a guy who makes her happy. about 9 years now, as with other things in life, I suppose I got complacent. everything is happening like clock work so what's there to enhance yes? wow - I failed to see the gap widening. perhaps its true what she said about me - at times I think like a man. dismissal is my middle name. I think less, consider less. and always always focus only on me, me, me. [at this point...

the castle was shaken last week. some of the building blocks chipped and dropped to the ground. it shook pretty hard; most of the occupants ran out to the forest and hide for good. the ground is getting more stable now; there are talks of rebuilding the castle. the king promised no more castle shaking actions,  and the queen needs time to see what is promised; delivered. realistically queen, you gotta have some faith that the king will live up to his words. if it wasn't for the bad habits of the queen smacking the wall ever so often, there wouldn't be no shakin' yes? queen - take some accountability. the king is merely reacting. the king has needs and what he needs is for the queen to stop smackin' around the castle like her habits is only what matters. what about what the king wants? the queen loves the castle and the king. a whole bunch. and the queen is trying; really trying coz tendering for a new castle would be a hell of work. and the existing castle is w...