Messy Mind of Mine

It's been more than 7 years since i left her. And last week, she got married. I thought it wouldnt bug me so much. But it did. Too much, in fact. I cried a lot over her and the change in our rship. I didnt cry this much when i left her back then. I was soaked and so stoked with the happiness of finally being with 'the one'.  I didn't know back then how she had suffered. I felt that same feeling today - of wanting to simply crash into a wall and die. See, PNTM is not a bad person. She has taken care of me and protect me, especially more after the break-in. Of course she is not without weaknesses, and so am I. So yes, I thought I had it all balanced up. What is life without some ups and downs, yeah? But, her marriage shattered me, to the core. I felt left behind, unloved and unwanted. See, she is the one thing that is permanent in my heart. We grew up together, built our lives together in KL and survived the early years together. So I left her. I left her and I ma...

As always, the month of Ramadhan slows me down a lil bit. Yet, my focus on work does not seem to jade much. And it places me away from what's in front of me. How more selfish can I get? ~ My point is - I have been bad. I'd like to think I have tried my very best to balance it all up. But truth is, I don't think I have tried hard enough. I should try better and be better. A mantra I used as my whatsapp status for so long and never give a hoot about making something out of it. I am so sorry my love, for I am not my best to you.

I had two good meet ups this week. The first one was with a couple of old friends from office, back in the days of DT. K ajak-ed me and LLL like weeks ago, and I was, for most part, non-committal. Nothing personal, its just that I didn't think I would contribute much to the conversation given my full brain hijacking thanks to the mountains of work I gotta finish. But I played along, coz for once I wanna feel like I still have friends in the Bank apart from my neighbor. :P And it turned out to be a very lovely dinner after all. I missed them both, I realized much later. I missed the light gossiping and laughter. And most, now, I know I will miss LLL since she has tendered her resignation and will be gone for good come August (Marks). The second one was today; with M and N. Another good session of talking. Of a lot of things. Of each others' lives. Not much from me, again thanks to the full brain hijack. And later, a glimpse into N's little family of 2 sons, and a kind looki...

I spent achieving nothing. Fought my case in the morning meeting, won some, lost some. The problem is I kept listing visibly in front of me the stuff I need to do before even tomorrow. But I was just so.... lost in finding my way back into focus. That sucks.

I am not a fan of country song. And this is not even a brand new song. But I felt pain when I sang along in the car tonight. So much pain.

Far from it. Took Kooks & Kicks off the open space. Kinks will have to do. Pathetic. Even now, months since my last entry on Kooks and years since my last on Kicks, I am still retaining to KooKoo mark. Why is that? On the home front, I think we are barely hanging by a thin thread. Work overwhelms me constantly, and it keeps me away from PNTM most days. Even when I am at home, my thoughts seldom stray away from the work shit. I feel bad for PNTM. I truly am.