Messy Mind of Mine

Wow. 2 posts in a week, in a space where words seldom visit no more.  Life must be a bitch to you woman! Last nite, hours after it happened, I was still numb. Hit me only this morning when i woke up that I need to do the right thing: apologise. And i did. Of course, she didnt reply. Understandably. The ripple effect though - it's kinda hard to imagine beyond getting penalised on all fronts. And that is enough shit for me, I suppose. To last a lifetime in this place I serve. Oh boy. Will I survive? heck I dont know if i will survive the existing problems of yes man, too nice and not intelligent. still neck deep in the sorrow of it all. unable to get up.  And yet, shit yesterday happened. Oh boy definitely. I pray god lead me the path I will do best. Aamiin.

 I have been struggling with my emotions lately. My judgment lapsed greatly; i feel stupid and i cant shake it off. I lost the drive to strive. I lost the way, on a path that I was roaring on for the last few months. Been bouncing on/ off, up/ down and always, I landed and marched on.  Not this time.  I lost all that I thought I had; my years of good prime, praises I received, confidence I pocketed. All in just a short Friday afternoon.  I wrote messages that I deleted, I ranted then I groaned and regretted inside. My words failed me. Their words burned me.  I hate the things i say, and write. I loathed their responses. I wish I do not have to talk / meet anyone so I dont say the things I would regret later. My words failed me big time. My own self failed me.  I lost me. And I dont know if I will find me fast enough. Funnily tears are forming in my eyes yet they wont explode down. Instead they dried up there. Unmoving. Have I lost more then?