Messy Mind of Mine

​wednesday morning thought. Am i damaged? 

​yeap i am still in that place called hurt.  Today i thot i found myself breathing weirdly. Pain in the chest area. I am feeling lost. 

 Few things happened, in this friggin' order P*ime is finally done. Happy. *360 results came out. Severely not happy. P*ime discussion with wj happened. Adding to the severely Not happy. I know i am supposed to own up my decisions. I was conscious and fully aware of my actions.  I did not anticipate the interrogation yesterday, and i handled it badly. I let my emotions over 360 to rule my conversation.  I lied today about the emergency. I could not face anyone from work.  I dont want to 'say unnecessary things' to anyone.  I wanna be on my own today. And fix my feelings pre-Langkawi.

Today is supposed to be a day of AL. But, I used it to steal some time to work on some stuff. Ended up attending the pod coaching, a call with S and troubleshooting few items via MST.  Before I know it, I was typing to E and my tears streamed down. Whether it was the Ed Sheeran's I see fire effect or just tired from the work. I felt tight-chested at some point; heck even giddy.  I dont know what to do.

none of this would have hit me, had i not seen her WA status. ever since 'it', i have been obsessing over all her actions and inactions. i couldnt focus on my own nite, my sleep, my phone, my tiktok, my ig coz i do not know for sure whats hitting her has got nothing to do with my conversation yesterday in that room with my other 3. it does not help that her bff is also not responding to me. shits.  and we have planned interactions tomorrow. how am i gonna do this? if it is really the case of her overhearing the conversation, trust would have exploded to nothing and what's that gonna say about my next 6 months covering the throne? shit shit shit shit. 

I came across an entry from 2019. couldn't fathom what it was about, as I have this tiniest tendency to write in enormous state of ambiguity. It shits some, but most of time, it kinda helps me to 'not go back in time painfully' as I honestly do not know by now what I was whining about back then. It has been a squeegy week. I had one week medical leave to recover, and I had burned most of it on work. It is a terrible week for us - my boss on leave, my two team members on leave and I am also on leave. We are hitting the 2nd last week before she goes. I have landed on the ground from the rollercoaster of panic over covering her job. More than ever, I re affirmed that I do not want her job. FOMOW was at its peak this week. Sucks.