Messy Mind of Mine

My last trip home, the 'ikan' incident happened. And this was...in early September.   Talked the 'ikan' issue through with some people, and still i cant let go. I cant forget what happened, and I cant forgive them either.  Its been more than a month now. And it is time to head home again. And see them again. And the whole 'ikan' issue will hit my head and heart again.  Shit. I know it could sound pretty childish, the whole issue bit. But it was not a small issue to me. To me, it was a reinforcement of my belief all this while - i don't matter.  So imagine the kind of mental blow i got when i returned to office back then, and another incident happened. The 'iced tea' incident. Again - i don't matter. Fuck.

And so it finally came. the day I turn 39. depressing. Months before the day, I had already started reflecting on what has my life accumulated to. basic life infrastructures a job that doesn't seem to have ANY off-season a mediocre relationship with my family not much of any holiday that requires a plane tix and listening to foreign languages sporadic meet ups with the very small number of people I can probably call friends I woke up, Friday, with zero expectation. The Friday, in which week, I went through the worst emotional typhoon EVER. Messed up my relationship with my bff, fucked up two big job at work and therefore, how could I even expect the tiniest kindness from others on my birthday? 

She voluntarily admitted herself this weekend, after 8 years of pain and anger. Proud of her, for finally taking this big fearful step of fixing what needs fixing. we found love again, in a sanitised place where all is white and time is your best friend.

And so we have returned.  From a tiring 'short break'. Ironic. Called it a holiday yet we spent the time sweating ourselves driving to don't-know-where the whole two days we were there. She said she enjoyed it. I think I did too. Somewhat. I wish I had done better. For her, but more so, for my own self.

Despite everything good that I think I have committed, I have come to the conclusion that I am bad to others; specifically those who are close to me. I treat them badly, I make them unhappy and I have been nothing but selfish when it comes to relationships. The more I reflect, the more I hate myself.