Messy Mind of Mine

Its Dec. Wow. 9 months of WFH. 2 months in my new home. Guess, I am getting used to the new kind of work that i do now. Blessed with a competent help too.  Unfortunately, ad-hoc work follows me here. Sad. So, still inundated with weird2 job that I wish I do not know how to accomplish. But, in tiny corner of my pride, I loved them. Shows I am important to the department, I suppose. Hah! I am definitely trying to stay positive about work. Home front? Going back next week. See what happens. I love Dec. Hope I have time to go Pavilion for all things christmas. 

When i was first told that i would be moving come October, I resisted it. Hard. I was angry at my boss. For sending me away, for no longer wanting me and for wanting to trade me for another.  One month in, I guess I hate it and love it at the same time. I hate my 'siblings' yet i love my new structured and planned house chores. I no longer sweep nightly nor do I continuously shiver as I wait for a broom to be thrown at me. Now i only have limited chores with schedules. Aint that nice? But my siblings? There is no trust at all. We hardly talk thus sometimes we dont know who is sweeping or doing what at any point of time. Our mother isnt helping much either. Well, i guess she tried but everyone is so ingrained in their ways of working that nobody thinks of the family, as a unit.  So yeah, its a (hell) home for me right now. 

For the longest time, I read/ watch/ listen to stories about the struggle of caregiving parents. It started sometime Raya Puasa - his first hospital admission. While it provided relief for Mak, it also brought misery for her too. His over-reliance, crazily, ridiculously over-reliance ways crushed mak in so many ways, yet she prevailed.  Then come Raya Haji - he pulled a stunt 1 day after we returned to KL. We mad-rushed back home and another 4 days in the hospital with little results. He bought and took a supplement that killed it for mak. and the rest of us too. Then come two weeks after,  his condition worsened. For mak too. And now we are learning to balance our caregiving for both of them. Managing our temper, our patience, our faith.  2 months after: Still struggling to understand them. Gave up.

Its day 8. I probably hit half-rock-bottom this morning. I feel useless, non-productive, ineffective, inefficient..you name it, i felt it.  Honestly, I do not know what is this negative vibe i am feeling. But i am hating my job, my colleagues, my boss, my EVERYTHING! Is it effect from not leaving the house since Monday? Coz I went out lunch time and I am still feeling shitty.  So maybe its not MCO. Maybe it's me. I got annoyed with my boss' response, my DR's question, my colleague's responses.. omg! I hope it will pass coz I still have to work till 14 April from home!

Was away for almost a month. Umrah and London. Close to 2 weeks each.  Came back to a rain of feedback from every where possible, a friend who is trying really hard to make something of himself through an opportunity i gave him (yes i am assuming and judging, which is also one of the feedback i received), a short but demanding list of work and a very unsettling feeling that is leaving me unable to sleep, despite the weaning jet lag.  first i read my 360 feedback. then i went to a botched lunch. thought i know my friend well not to stab me in the back like he did, and nonchalant about it later too. then i got another feedback from the big boss. then the friend decided to again fuck me about work. and then another feedback. wow. a marvelous Monday and Tuesday, i give you. hah! and now i cant sleep because i cant get over the last feedback i received. history is repeating itself and it is not even about me. am feeling nervous about facing tomorrow and days after. i ...