Through smiles and through tears

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I think about abah more than i have been, lately, since he went away in Dec 2020. 
Guess i miss him.

But that's the thing: i still fail to reminisce the good times. I remember how he sounded, what his skin felt, and him being unconscious on the day he died. But i cant recall that particular slice of time with him that made me smile. 

I couldn't cry either. More, i think of him, in a way that I do, when i worry for Mak. Coz she is alone now, without him. Nothing would replace him, for her. Not even me being there with her. So I worry for mak and how she keeps all inside of her. 

My whole of me is now is to make life beautiful for Mak. Coz i can't give him abah, the one constant being that has made her feel safe and secure about the world. Even when abah is the same being who made her life hellish. 

I love you abah, but you made mine hellish too. Maybe it was never you, maybe I blamed you for failing to keep my own sanity, esteem and self worth in check.

But i feel ruined by you Abah. And that still hurt.


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