PRIME time!

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i was labeled once as an individual contributor. to some extend, it is a permanent preference. to have no accountability onto another person - delegating work, developing capabilities and i hate the most - when its appraisal time. because i know how bad i am at defending a score. even when i have full conviction of it.  

my down-line is a person of confidence. she is smart, hardworking and best of all - mature. better than me. and she toes the line to the best she can, until she can't no more. she sits in front of me at work - many tease that i wanna keep my eagle eye on her. actually, i just want to communicate easier is all. and to minimise the walk to her place before. :P 

of course, i love her as she has greatly helped with my work. but that means added 'care' which i wish i don't have. so i was jittery about today, about not wanting to fail her in getting her the best score i could get. and that's stupid right? that's the kind of 'care' i do not want to have in me for anyone beyond the select few. 

so yes, it was a head-achy day for me. a head-achy week too. but i am glad it is all done. 

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the bleak dark hole visited me few days ago. i welcomed it; been some time since i am sucked into this other side of my head. it was painful to the heart, yet i do think my inner balance thrived on that. it unraveled me, sure. but it also makes me whole. 

wow. what am i conjuring here? :((

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