Baggage & Luggage

I have not blogged for ages now. I drop by here every now and then - and all i see are rants of the past that has been sporadically sprinkled into words and posts. Last one being about how we experienced the Tour Agent from Hell. Since then, the TAFH has disappeared from the face of soc med, having been unraveled by other more vocal victims. And the blog is left, unattended. 

Trust that there has many times that i feel like sprinkling again, but the magic wont come. Have not done much writing elsewhere either. Thinking, aligning, band-aiding and crunching figures took most of my time, apart from getting dirty in the actual mud work. 

Breadth and depth - my T is difficult to rear well. While 'you are being groomed' is being dropped in conversations every now and then - and always always received the same negating response from me - so many efforts are evidenced to being put to somehow get me out there and i fracking hate it. 

Sure, i love the idea of more power and accountability over more people, but the same two needles would prick me bad at the same time. To quote with no ill-intention, my GNY efforts have been fluctuating, stabilizing and fluctuating again; and again, and again, and again. I fear of being questioned of all my good and ill-doings on earth later, and yet i repeat the same sinful set of swings every other day if not everyday. 

Knowing and fixing is terribly two different coffin altogether. When you know, you might want to un-know it as knowing comes with responsibility to fix it. Potential is another enemy of mine. Being told 'you got potential' sigh. not GREAT. 

Perhaps i am over-branching my thoughts in this birthing post. whether it will come to a stillborn, only time, interest, will and action will tell. daily, i come home with a fry-ed brain - only wanting to numb it with Netflix and the thoughts of tomorrow. what a stupid, wasteful cycle. I deserve better? thing is - i may be choosing wrong. 

..and that's stupid. in practical, we know what we should choose. and everyday the battle of choices haunt our corridors of mind and heart. some days i lose. most days i lose. in pockets, small-cheap-pockets, i may have won. only to lose again the next round of battle. 

So yes, i have baggage and i certainly have new luggage that i am dumping on top of all my misery pancake of life.

May allah guide me down the straight path. Aamiin.